Ellison moves from room to room of his house with purpose. His dark brown eyes darting from side to side to cover each corner of the room. His breathing comes out in short, stunted breaths, frustration building inside of him as it seems like his laptop charger was playing an unwanted game of hide and seek. Through his determination to end this irritating task short, Ellison barely notices as a shadow moves past him, drawing his stare. The beating of his heart pauses suddenly. The hairs on the back of his neck reaching out to the still air of the living room. Ellison’s hand shoots to his chest, holding it as if for comfort. Though this effort was not effective.
“Hello? Grant?” Ellison calls out for his significant other. As soon as the question leaves his thin, pink lips he immediately shakes his head and smiles at his silly thought. Grant makes a living at a hospital analyzing systems that nurses and doctors use. While he does work remotely from home some days, Ellison knows that Tuesday was not one of those days. With frustration building inside of him, he runs a hand through his brown hair and lets out a deep breath. He begins to repeat a mantra in his mind that after a string of nights staring up at the ceiling and tossing and turning, his tired eyes must be playing tricks.
“Where is that darn charger?” Ellison spits under his breath. Suddenly, another shadow crosses past his short form. His fists clenching, Ellison pushes his back up against the wall behind him. He narrows his eyes as he attempts to follow the shadow with his gaze. His ears focus on the heartbeat inside of his chest picking up pace. The pulse racing hard so that he began to feel each as a tremor through his entire body. Ellison starts to shiver violently, unsure if this is his nerves or a December breeze making its way through the house. As another shadow moves past him,he trips and crashes into a side table. Ellison releases the breath he didn’t even realize he was holding. Realizing how ridiculous he must look, he finally lets a chuckle escape him.
“You’re being silly Ellis, you’re tired, that’s all.” He states. Though he does not do the best job convincing himself. Ellis leans down and focuses on boney hands which used to look healthy as they put the side table back into its place. As he cleans up, his mind turns to happy memories to get his mind off of what had been dominating most of his thoughts the past few nights and this morning. He instead remembers the various school plays he took part in with his best friend Chelsea, his brothers and how they always had his back, and finally his close relationship with his mother and the guidance she always seems to have for him in times of need. Ellison needs his mother’s guidance now, and the thought of her face makes his slightly chapped smile as he picks up his keys which fell from the side table moments earlier. His sigh of relief comes when he sees the laptop charger bundled up and resting underneath the couch.
“Grant… why are you always moving my things?” Ellis grabs a hold of it and heads upstairs to his home office. After searching for his charger and the seemingly sentient shadows, he isn’t completely in the mood to go on a work call. But after all, his boss needs to know Ellison’s social media marketing strategies. He chuckles as he thinks about the trivial nature of his work. As the meeting commences, his mind wanders elsewhere. The monotonous voice of his boss begins to lull Ellison into a slumber. Each time he feels himself getting to that point, he jolts back to a sense of consciousness as if he was in a car just about to run a red light. The thought fills his eyes with tears. Ellison wipes them, but his eyes already sting and glow a pink shade that betrays the fact that he has almost cried. To escape further travel to this path of thinking, he finds his gaze traveling to the walls of his office. He sits back and frowns, the pure white walls sterile, like a padded cell. His brown orbs focus on the door and half-expect it to be a metal entryway, with only a small window providing him access to the outside world. His cheeks burn and redden as this rather strange thought fills him with unease and discomfort. As if his flight response is kicking in, shivers travel down his spine. Again though, Ellison’s eyes move to the window to make sure it was not a winter breeze.
While the window is closed, there does not seem to be an outside world beyond the panes of glass. Rather, the outside feels oppressive, the skies gray and seemingly endless, the ground white. Ellison continues to get further lost in thought on the work call until it was his turn to share. Once the call ends Ellison smiles with comfort as he feels he can finally sit back and relax. Now that it is half past four in the afternoon, he can try to enjoy a movie and snack before Grant gets home from work at the hospital. As Ellison starts to get up, his phone rings. Ellison lets out a breath as he sees it is his best friend, Chelsea, calling. Ellison musters up a half smile and answers. “Ms. Chels, to what do I owe this pleasure?” Ellison greets. Chelsea chuckles.
“You are such a nerd.” Chelsea teased playfully. “I just clocked out at the diner and I know you are out of work too so I just wanted to call and check up on you.” Ellison narrows his gaze.
“Check up?” Ellison questions.
“Yeah, cause it’s the holidays and—”
“I’m fine. Thanks.” Ellison interrupts Chelsea’s attempt at clarification.
“Okay, then how about we move to video chat?” Chelsea offers. Ellison puts his game face on as he accepts Chelsea’s offer and the two begin a video call. As she appears on his phone screen, Ellison sees Chelsea’s bright smile and kind, inviting, warm brown eyes. Ellison peaks a look at himself and struggles not to frown at the sunken cheeks, dark circles to match his dark brown eyes. Though his eyes used to hold a gleam, that light seems dim ever since the incident. Ellison shows off a strained smile that only highlights his tired eyes and face.
“See, I am one hundred percent fine.” Ellison assures. Chelsea nods, a look of playful disbelief on her face, but her eyes betrays her genuine concern.
“Okay, as long as you know it’s okay not to be fine. I’m just worried about you Ellis, I love you and I want to make sure you will be okay. Trust me, I’m speaking from experience, my first holiday without—”
“I appreciate that Chelsea… and I am lucky to have a great friend like you. I love you too, but please… I’m fine.” Ellison assures. Chelsea shrugs.
“Okay, well I’m about to start my drive home, I’ll call later?” Chelsea suggests. Ellison smiles.
“Yeah, I’d like that. Please… drive safe.” Ellison replies. Chelsea eyes widen as she realizes what Ellison means. Chelsea smiles as she nods.
“Always. Talk soon, and get your camera fixed, the video looked weird, something was going on with the shadows.” Chelsea warns. Ellison hangs up and feels his breath like a lump caught in his throat. His phone vibrates, Ellison looks at it to notice it was just a text that Grant would be late. Suddenly, his phone rings and he sees it is his mother requesting a video chat. Ellison struggles to put on another smile before picking up.
“Hey Momma, how are you?” Ellison greets. His mother smiles brightly. Her glasses reflected the screen, letting Ellison see his face again. Ellison almost flinches with discomfort as he thinks how much he has changed in the past few months. Past his reflection, he sees an experience in her eyes, and a sweetness and love that matches her honey gaze. Her face shape is similar to his, though much more full and healthy compared to his pale complexion.
“Well, much better now that I get to see my baby’s face.” His mother states. Ellison grins as he feels the security he always feels with his mother.
“Thanks Mom. I’ve just gotten out of work. That paired with the holidays, you know how it is.” Ellison tries to be as vague as possible. His mother has done her job, making him into the young man he is now, he figures that if he has been feeling strange throughout the day, he can handle it on his own. His mother frowns.
“Yes, when you were a baby, and my father—” His mother begins to confide. Ellison is unsure he is capable of confronting this right now.
“I’m not talking about that Mom….” Ellison lies. His mother wipes a tear that has already begun to form in her eyes.
“Ellison, Baby, listen to me, your father wasn’t the perfect parent. I know that you two never got along the best, especially after the divorce. But I also know that you loved him; and despite his faults, I know he loved you. This is the first holiday without him, and around you there seems to be a cloud of darkness. Ellison, you can’t hold onto that. Please, don’t continue to hold onto the anger you had for him.” His mother explains. Ellison’s eyes finally begins to let out the stress in his body through tears.
“Mom… I am not angry at him. I’m angry with myself. I was so angry at him, for not accepting me for being gay. I was so angry that he drank, and put me in danger whenever he made me get in the car with him after downing ten beers. And I knew he was getting better, but I was so stubborn, that I wasn’t going to answer his calls until I felt he was perfect. And now, he’s gone. His luck ran out and he had to get in that stupid car after drinking. Now, the only way I get to visit him is by visiting the cemetery. So Mom, I’m sorry if I seem so depressed, it’s just that there was so much left unsaid. I never got to tell him that the reason I wanted his acceptance and for him to stop drinking was because I loved him so much. And now it’s too late.” Ellison finally lets out. His mother uses a tissue to wipe her eyes of the tears that formed.
“Ellison, parents know, that never needs to be said, though it is music to our ears. Because we love you and we want what is best for you. However, sometimes our past experiences and culture influences what we feel is best. Your father loved you, and he knows you loved him, regardless of how different you two were. It’s the holidays, go visit your father.” His mother encourages him. Ellison lets out a breath. Suddenly, a beam of light gets through the December clouds and illuminates the room. His mother smiles as she looks at her son. “Ellison, there doesn’t need to be a dark cloud over life. There is a lot of loss and pain in this world, but there is so much light and love as well.”
It is now Christmas, and Ellison walks with Grant by his side as they approach his father’s grave. Ellison begins to tear up. His brothers look to him with sadness in their own eyes. Though they all have their wives by their sides, they motion for their youngest brother to join them. Ellison rests his head on one of his brother’s shoulders, bundling himself close to all of them. Not because it is cold, but because they are always there for support. Ellison’s eyes focus on the tombstone:
“Daniel Castillo, father, son, friend… he was always a father first.”
Ellison’s hand intertwines with Grant’s beside him. His hand no longer boney, but instead plump and the tan color returning. His eyes wander to watch as his mother and her husband look on from their car, tears in their own eyes. Chelsea appears from the back seat of the car and hugs Ellison’s mother to comfort her. Ellison lets out a breath and smiles as he focuses on the warmth of the sun that begins to peek through the clouds. “Happy Holidays Dad… I miss you.” Ellison pauses as he looks around at his siblings, his partner, his best friend, and his mother. “We miss you, and we love you.”
THE END
Reyes Writes 